Parents everywhere wince at the thought of sibling rivalry, as if they are getting ready for another round of fighting or slamming doors. Disagreements over shared toys, trying to get parents’ attention, or fighting over beds can make everyone in the family tired. In families with a lot of kids, these fights may seem like they will never end. The main weapons are cereal spoons, not swords. But sibling rivalry isn’t just a “phase” you have to get over, as many people think. As a marital and family therapist, I can say that there are ways to fix the damage done by this widespread problem. Family counseling is often where the healing starts. Read here for more information!
Sibling rivalry is nothing new. Siblings have always found ways to fight and compete, from ancient stories to current homes. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that more than four out of five youngsters will have some kind of competition with other kids as they grow up. But what should parents do if lighthearted teasing evolves into continuous stress or starts to hurt a child’s self-esteem? That’s when getting help from an expert can make a difference.
Family counseling doesn’t focus on “fixing” one child; instead, it looks at what’s going on in family interactions that aren’t obvious. Children often fight because they want love, approval, or a sense of belonging in the family. Parents who intend well can nevertheless get into bad patterns, such praising one child for being peaceful and calling another child “difficult.” They don’t realize that these roles might affect how kids see themselves and each other for years to come.
Therapists help families see these tendencies that aren’t always obvious. For instance, think of a mother who is anxious about her sons since they can’t seem to be in the same room without fighting. During a session, she learns that both kids feel like they’re not getting enough from Mom. One thinks she never hears him, while the other is annoyed that they have to share everything. What both want most, even when they’re fighting, is attention and recognition.
Families learn skills like introspective listening, rotating roles, and having structured family sessions with the help of a counselor. These tools make it easier for people to have honest, and often surprisingly hilarious, conversations that make everyone feel heard and noticed. Therapy doesn’t work right away, but tiny changes, like talking about feelings without criticizing, can make a big difference in the home.
You might be wondering, “Is this just about getting siblings to get along?” Most of the time, it’s a lot more than that. Rivalry typically comes from problems at home or school that aren’t directly related to the rivalry. Sometimes parents discover that they have been expecting their kids to handle things and feelings that are too much for even grownups to handle. Family therapy is a secure place to think about yourself, talk to others, and, most importantly, heal.
There is no quick fix for fights between siblings, but an expert therapist may help families let go of anger and learn to understand each other. It’s normal for people to disagree, but the goal is to have more laughter and less fighting at home in the long run. If you can’t stand the constant fighting anymore, getting help from an expert can make a big difference.